User blog comment:Lalaloopsyrocks100/Crystal and Yuki Chapter 1/@comment-3237624-20130212013506

Alright, so I looked over this. So far it's honestly bad, and it seems cute so far. But I just have two little problems :3

1. The paragraphs should be spaced a bit further/made smaller/seperated a bit. It'll lengthen the story as well as make it less crowded.

And 2. Grammar is a little messy in some spots and I think certain sentences could be a little more descriptive. For example this sentence: Crystal started to get dressed. She was going to the mall with her bff Yuki. " Ding Dong " It was Yuki! " I'll get it! ", Crystal

I think it'd look better kind of like this: Crystal had started to get dressed while she waited for her friends to come so that they could go to the mall. "Ding Dong" the bell sounded. It was Yuki! "I'll get it!" Crystal said, rushing into the hallway to get to the door before her sister did.

Gee, a part of me is tempted to re-write the bad parts just to see how different it'll look, but then it wouldn't really be your fic anymore, so I dont think you want me to do that XD